Since I was fairly bored one afternoon and procrastinating heavily on studying for final exams, I had enough drive and motivation to create a new page and customized layout for my comics:

Allegro: Random comics by Rheall

I had a lot of fun working on the CSS and uploading my comics and such. It’s so satisfying to see them all laid out with “next” and “previous” buttons. Sometimes I am very easily pleased.

Like it says on the main page, this doesn’t mean I’m taking those comics seriously or anything. I’m not going to have a specific update schedule for them, and they aren’t meant to be any kind of serious foray into the webcomics world, not by a long shot. It’s just for fun. I draw comics now and again, and it’s fun to have someplace to show them off once in a while!

So yes, that’s that! As for art stuff, I haven’t really been drawing much this month, or even this summer. However, I did sit down and bang out a couple sketches tonight, so I’ll see about scanning those in the morning. I now have two weeks free of any sort of schedule or responsibility, so maybe I can make myself churn out some art. Or at least get sketching again!

Hope y’all have been having a wonderful summer!

Polly comes from a system named Andy’s Left Foot, a very boring system with one homeworld where they are one of the technological centres of the cluster. The upper class rules with an iron fist, but the planet is overrun with people and pollution, so the upper class likes to get away as often as possible. As such, they are known as the cluster’s Tourists. Anyone who can afford it, mostly the cream of the upper class crop, can make clones of themselves to take care of their business while they’re on vacation, sometimes for years at a time. Sometimes the rich make clones of themselves just to do the work they don’t want to do, but which would be too improper to hire someone else do for them. When the Primes come back from vacation, or the clones wear out, they are recycled back into the system.

Anyway, Polly was one of these clones. Her Prime (the person she was cloned from) was a high-level politician of some kind, and as such Polly was taught all the things her prime knew during Escalated Development. However, she managed to slip through the cracks during the behavioural conditioning and cybernetic imprinting process, and found herself with her own free will and ambition, something that was supposed to be suppressed and stamped out. Being probably the fiftieth clone of this important person, she wasn’t really watched much, nor was she important, making it possible for her to coast through her duties until she was able to engineer a plan to escape.

So, she escapes, and spends her life on the run, jumping from ship to ship, system to system. Her lack of hair makes it difficult, since that’s a sure sign you’re a clone, so she wears a lot of bright make-up and ghastly wigs to try and disguise that fact. Thankfully, fashion in the cluster is such that this makes her blend in rather than stand out.

Here she’s in her room, alone, crying over a love she lost tragically just a little earlier. Clones have no hope of developing any kind of relationships with people, let alone falling in love, so the experience really affected her a lot. All she wants is to live her own life, though a rogue clone is one of the most dangerous things to the people of Andy’s Left Foot due to the knowledge they would hold of the important individuals and their doings. The are hunted down like plague dogs.

Polly isn’t her real name. Indeed, as a clone she wouldn’t have a name, probably an identification number of some sort. I figured Polly was fitting, though, since it is a popular name for parrots, something that copies/mimics others. Since that’s a clone’s entire purpose, I thought she’d be the kind of person who would allude to that fact when choosing a name for herself.

Right… so, yeah, sketched up in Photoshop and inked and coloured there. Again on my laptop. I made another animated .gif to show the different layers of sketch, ink, colour, etc.:

Again you’ll see a blank box; click on it to see the animation. =)

It’s been a long time since I cel-shaded anything, so please forgive any sloppiness or blazing errors you might find. It just takes practice, and I am rather happy with what I came up with in this picture, especially on her face. =) Though I probably should have chosen different colours… the colour scheme is exactly the same as that Monk Boy picture; orange, red, and purple. Oi vey. Ah well! It still looks neat.

I have to head to class now. Enjoy!

I don’t know if it did any good to look at art all day, since I didn’t do any art myself, I didn’t get any grandiose ideas for my own artistic projects, I wasn’t driven off my lap-top by the urge to sketch, I didn’t spend any money to support any of the wonderful art I was looking at, and my headache has slowly gotten bigger over the evening even after taking tylenol. So perhaps that should be a lesson to me.

But seriously, I couldn’t look away. It started with me going through my list of watched accounts on DA and cleaning it up; meaning, removing the watch of any accounts that are old or inactive or otherwise not in my interest anymore. I only got from A – K, but hey, that’s better than nothing. Through the Daily Deviations I found this one, a so-called Luisa M. Kelle, and I was held utterly rapt. I spent hours moseying through her gallery, admiring her beautiful linework, her whimsical subjects, her fanciful perception of life. Her artwork is like candy for my inner seven year old, who used to love Beatrix Potter, the Wind in the Willows, and thought that Rupert the Bear would be the very best friend ever. (Oh, and we can’t forget Babar either!) Anyway, she reminds me a lot of another of my favourite artists, Luve (aka. Lauren Henderson), who may be a little more cartoony and wholesome, but still full of awesome in the anthro animal respect. Le sigh.

So then my inner critic (his name is Joe) starts arguing, saying that this is real art, this is where the money is; look at how talented this person is, with her beautiful characters, stunning backgrounds and moving scenes, and where am I getting off in drawing all those funny-faced big-eyed ugly people? And ponies? Anthro animals in humanoid settings is where it’s at, people! Whimsy! Charm! Children’s stories! There’s money, story, and fun in that!

Then I did some more clicking around, and stumbled on Loish’s (aka. Lois van Baarle) website again, which floored me with her beautiful girls in such amazing retro textured goodness. This is my generation’s thing, neon colours, girls with big hair, fashion, retro motifs and awesome animation. This stuff looks great, and it sells. Ooooh, it’s so good I can almost taste it, and I can’t look away! The urge to sketch up beautiful girls in interesting clothes in stylish poses is rising…

But then (oh snap!) I click another link, and stumble upon… yes!! Another favourite artist of mine! Erica Moen, of DAR, and I happily read through her comic archives again and marvel at her honesty and humourous lifestyle, squee over her romance with her (relatively) newlywed husband (Congrats!!), and once again just admire the sheer force of will it must have taken her to continue with her comic for so long. I also admire how unique a person she is, how unwilling she is to cowl away and hide her intricacies, and how proud she is to be herself. And she, being the awesome person she is connected with so many awesome people, swung me over to ANOTHER favourite artist (say it isn’t so!), the one and only Dylan Meconis!

Oh yeah, these are the people to idolize, these are the bread and butter winners not only for themselves, but for female cartoonists/artists of the world! They draw comics about issues that mean something, they speak their mind, and they further on the influence of their medium as they do it. They have dozens of friends within their faculty, they do it for a living, and by god, if only I was one of them who could also draw pictures and sell them and things for a living, even if it’s a not so glamourous a lifestyle…

That was about the time I looked at Joe (though not really, you know, him not existing and all) and said “Look, shut up, you. I’m going to make some pizza.” So I did. Now I’m here typing about these wonderful artists, for no real good reason. Oh! I do have art¹ though!

Drawn while watching Monty Python’s Flying Circus yesterday with Dennis! There’s Mr. Raymond Luxury Yacht (Pronounced Throat Warbler Mangrove) with his fake nose, some kind of crazy Amish dude (not a ninja), and some saucy minx who stole some fine gentleman’s hat. The wench.

Next is a picture I drew today (I lied, I didn’t spend the whole day looking at art, though very near it) after looking online for ages for some sort of acceptable drawing program to use with my tablet on my Macbook. The GIMP wasn’t accepting pressure sensitivity for some reason, so I went through a variety of so called free “alternatives” and stumbled upon Art Rage, which I downloaded and tried briefly by drawing this picture.

I don’t know what my deal is lately with the late 1800’s/early 1900’s and those cute little straw hats recently, but there you go. Didn’t like the program much, but that’s just me. Was still fun for half an hour or so. Look! It looks like pencil!

So that’s it for me… just wanted to share some of these wonderful artists and their works, and also do something other than just sit around all day. Hopefully tomorrow I can open my eyes without getting light-headed. Stupid flu.

^{1. This is open to debate, of course.}

First I’ll show you a page of sketches I did just before we left.

I got my episodes of Star Trek: TNG back, so I was on another kick. I think I drew these after finishing off season 3. I’ve been trying to get into the habit of inking my sketches once I’m done drawing them, to get better at inking and also to stop being so afraid of ruining things. My favourite on this page is that sketch of the random balding commander and his crazy side. =D Soooo much fun to draw crazy cartoony people!

While in Victoria we went to a bunch of bookstores and in one of them I found a book I didn’t know I’ve been looking for for years: An Atlas of Animal Anatomy for Artists. I remember when I was first getting serious into drawing horses and dogs and I’d search Google for reference images and come up with these anatomical plates and drawings that were so beautiful and detailed, but at the time were so small in resolution and hard to find. I remember I printed these out whenever I found them and used them constantly as reference material until they were so badly crumpled and ripped as to be unrecognizable. I had no idea these were enclosed in an actual book that I could actually buy!

But then I found this book, and they were all there, and so many different positions and views as well. It as so perfect, I had to pick it up. I spent the rest of the night pouring over it, admiring the technical mastery of the images, and amusing myself with the differences in anatomy between dogs and horses and humans and all manner of different things.

If you do any animal drawing (particularly horses or dogs), and you see this book, pick it up. I guarantee, you will not be disappointed, and it will become a staple of your artistic resources.

Anyway, so I drew a couple sketches (only a couple, because I suck like that. ):

Just some blue pencil sketches of deer, a horse, a horse skull, and a tired/bored looking creature at the top. The main thing I wanted to show off was that deer, though. Here it is closer:

I also changed the hue and darkened it up a bit so you could see the details. After staring at the skeletons and anatomical drawings of the deer in that book for so long, I had to draw one. It was so much fun! I love skinny animals where you an see the bones sticking out and stuff, agh! Also, I’m sure this is the best drawing of a deer I’ve ever done. Compare it to my old favourite and you can see how much I’ve improved in their anatomy, just by staring at the drawings in that book. =)

I still need to work on deer heads (it’s difficult as hell to draw a deer head and not have it look like a dog), but I’m really glad with my progress, and I love this little sketch. Just tooting my own horn here, move along…

The next one was a quick horse sketch, in which at least I notice that the anatomy has gotten better looking at that book than my other drawings, but others might not notice:

Again, it’s still very noticeably in my style, but the anatomy is much better compared to my old attempts at this position. Now I just need to get off my butt and draw things that actually mean something, and draw them often, and actually finish them, and then I’ll be golden!

While walking around the markets in Victoria I saw a lot of artists. I got my portrait/caricature done by this awesome guy, John D. Beveridge (and it was absolutely excellent!); there were dozens of other portrait artists holding booths at various markets and squares; there were numerous local craftsman ranging anywhere between jewelry, native art, glass blowing, metal working, toy making, and painting; and there was even this girl who looked like my age or younger, who had a table set up at the local Artist’s Market. She was just sitting there drawing marker pictures of centaurs and unicorns, and then ripping up each page as she finished it and placing them in a basket in front of her for sale. I kept thinking “What the hell? Why can’t I do this?”

It’s something to think about, anyway. I just need to get off my butt and do something about it.

Right, back to doing “back from vacation” chores. Turrah!

Have you ever known someone who has had a hobby or an interest that they really enjoyed? You know, they spent time doing it and had fun and were good at it, but at first they were doing it just because it was fun, which was great. Then they started getting into it a lot more. They started going to clubs associated with it, or joining online communities, watching blogs, reading newsletters, watching videos, etc. etc… they started spending so much time looking, reading and learning about their hobby/interest that soon they were doing so much of that they weren’t actually doing the hobby itself anymore. They could talk about it for hours, but they hadn’t actually done any of it for months, or in any real amount. Then when they do get around to doing it they’re so overly critical, or so OCD about it, that it ends up not being fun anymore?

I think this perfectly exemplifies me. I used to do a lot of art, and truly, art is a huuuge part of my life. As I grew up through elementary school I was “the little writer” and everyone figured I’d become a world famous author when I grew up. When I got to High School though and realized that everyone and their dog were writers, and fairly good ones at that, that no one cared about my writing anymore, and that I had no hope of ever becoming as good as them (stupid low self-esteem and teenage angst acting up!), I turned to my art instead, which I had also done since I was a little kid, and was now fairly good at. Now I was the little artist, and everyone was convinced I’d grow up to be world famous in that, instead.

Backtracking a bit… I used to have SO MUCH FUN drawing, and that’s why I did it. Because it was fun! I could draw ponies, and dragons, and elven damsels, and anything in my mind’s eye could appear on the page. I wasn’t overly obsessed with how good it was, it was just fun! And I did TONS of it. I’d fill pages and pages of sketchbooks, until I was going through one 100 page 8.5X11 sketchbook every month. It was great!

Then I discovered the internet about the time I started highschool (for any of those people out there who had middle school, for me elementary school went from kindergarten to grade seven, and highschool started in grade eight and went until grade twelve), and it was awesome! Whereas before I was the only one out of all my friends and anyone I knew who drew or did any kind of art at all, suddenly there was a whole world of artists out there, most of them really awesome but some of them at my level. And there were places where you could upload your art! And talk to other artists! And there were tutorials, and resources, and games, and contests, and all this stuff…! And people could comment on your art, and wow, it was so awesome, I hadn’t realized there were so many people who were so much into art as me! For the first time I was starting to realize just how much was possible in the art world.

So I jumped on it. And it was awesome! I met so many awesome people and saw so many new and awesome things people were doing, and I wanted to be a part of it. I started using digital art programs, with a mouse at first, then my awesome sister bought me a tablet for my 14th birthday, and suddenly I could do so much more! I was making art like a bandit, and it was so cool these new things I could do!

But somewhere along the line there was a subtle shift in my focus. Maybe all the comments I got from classmates, teachers, friends and family made me feel intimidated. I know for a fact that I started feeling intimidated by all the amazing artists I was seeing online. I started becoming frustrated about my art for the first time, as I’m sure everyone has felt. I didn’t think I compared to all those other people, I started thinking more and more critically of my artwork, thinking it sucked ass compared to what other people could do, and that I’d never get ahead.

When people would compliment me on my art, especially in real life, I’d notice I’d become more annoyed than anything. I’d think, “Don’t they realize how much I suck? They should look at all of those other awesome artists online and then they’d understand that I’m nothing compared to them.” People kept saying “You should totally do this for a living,” or “You’re so talented, you could make so much money!” And I kept thinking about all the wonderful artists I knew online, and how much they were struggling when they were so much better than me, and I wanted to grab people and shake their heads and show them what the standards were they were forcing me up against, and how utterly impossible all that actually was.

After a while, art started to become more stressful than fun. I’d still do it, and sometimes I’d come up with things I enjoyed, but my comparative “unknown” status alongside so many other more “worthy” or “popular” artists made me feel even more that I sucked and was no good at all. I’d start to crave comments and favourites (on DA at least), and I noticed myself starting to judge what I was drawing by how many favourites or pageviews it had. When I noticed that starting to happen I tried to change the way I thought about it, but perhaps the damage was already done.

When I used to spend all afternoon after school and all night until all hours of the morning drawing, now I was spending that time looking at other people’s art, or reading about it, or looking for tutorials, or fawning over expensive equipment and software. I was insatiable for knowledge, and absorbed it and artwork like oxygen, as there was never a shortage of it. I’d sit there and think over and over to myself “Why can’t I be that good?” All the while I wasn’t drawing near as much as I used to, and when I sat down I suddenly had all these expectations heaped on top of me by myself that literally stifled me so much I couldn’t draw anything.

That came to a head, I think, in my last year of highschool, when I was having panic attacks over deciding whether I should go to art school or not (I eventually decided against it), and it has continued ever since. I’m not so crazy about the low self-esteem stuff; I don’t sit here anymore and whine about not being as good as my favourite artists, or bash my work to other people or get frustrated when I get favourable comments. I’ve become much more confident than I used to be, and I have a genuine desire to create again, but I’m left with the results of spending so much time obsessing over my hobby: I have expectations for my own work that are set way too high, I compare myself to the abilities of other artists rather than my own, I know so much of what’s possible and admire so much of it that I don’t know what to do first, and I’m frustrated at how little I draw and constantly feel forced to correct that, because real artists draw every day, everywhere, all the time, and as a result of all those things it no longer feels fun anymore.

That’s the most tragic thing, I think. I love drawing. I love making art. But it’s not fun anymore. Well, sometimes it is, and that’s great, but those times are precious and few, and I don’t know how to replicate them. My creativity is rather shriveled. My brain is empty where it used to be overflowing with ideas, because I still have a section of it left over that screams at me “Oh that idea’s been done, it’s so cliche,” and is constantly demanding that I come up with creative, amazing ideas that just aren’t there. Sometimes when I sit down with a piece of paper and a pencil, I immediately feel exhausted, without even doing anything. It sucks ass, and it’s stupid as all hell.

So I’m left with this, and I really want to change it. I’ve had some excellent help from my boyfriend, who, even though he’s never done any drawing in his life, actually sits down and draws with me so I don’t have to do it alone anymore. He gives me moral support and bugs me all the time, in good ways; when I’m fretting over a drawing, or I’m rambling too much about how hard it is, and how I can’t do it, he’ll immediately stop me and say “Knock it off.” And that’s awesome. I really do need to stop thinking so much, and just draw, but it’s so hard, for some reason, to let go of all those things and draw without them weighing me down. They’re just so engraved into my brain.

The thing I want to know is, am I the only one this has happened to? I’m certain I’m not, but I’m still surrounded (online at least) by people who are awesome, who do still create and do a lot of art, who know just as much and are just as involved in the community as I am, so obviously it doesn’t bother them. Does anyone else feel as encumbered by things as I do, or am I the only one who is this stupid about art?

This is why I made this blog, by the way. To get away from the atmosphere of value and popularity and stuff at deviantART and other online artistic communities. To give me a place to share my art without fear of it being compared to anyone else, where I can just focus on my own journey and try to get better at having fun with it. I’m still working at it, and I’m still struggling in a lot of ways to rid myself of all this crap built up in my mind, but I do think I’m making headway. I hope that I can eventually get to the point where I can create again, and want to, and have fun with it like I used to. We’ll have to see how long it takes me to get there, but I will, eventually. =)

Most of this stuff is more in my mind than anything, which is where I’m trying to make the greatest change. I’m trying to shut up the critical part of my brain, and the part of my brain overcome with knowledge of colour theory, proportions, lines-of-action, composition, perspective, anatomy, etc. etc. so I can just draw rather than being so damn terrified of it.

I’m trying to find a good way to end this rant but I can’t think of anything, so maybe I should just stop writing. Anyway, I am curious to hear  your thoughts if you have any, even if it’s something like “Gawd, Heather, you’re such a pompous brat! Oh, you can’t draw, boo hoo!! Get the hell over your freaking ego!” I’m sure I can stand to hear a bit of that.

Right, I’m going now. Honestly. =)