First I’ll show you a page of sketches I did just before we left.

I got my episodes of Star Trek: TNG back, so I was on another kick. I think I drew these after finishing off season 3. I’ve been trying to get into the habit of inking my sketches once I’m done drawing them, to get better at inking and also to stop being so afraid of ruining things. My favourite on this page is that sketch of the random balding commander and his crazy side. =D Soooo much fun to draw crazy cartoony people!

While in Victoria we went to a bunch of bookstores and in one of them I found a book I didn’t know I’ve been looking for for years: An Atlas of Animal Anatomy for Artists. I remember when I was first getting serious into drawing horses and dogs and I’d search Google for reference images and come up with these anatomical plates and drawings that were so beautiful and detailed, but at the time were so small in resolution and hard to find. I remember I printed these out whenever I found them and used them constantly as reference material until they were so badly crumpled and ripped as to be unrecognizable. I had no idea these were enclosed in an actual book that I could actually buy!

But then I found this book, and they were all there, and so many different positions and views as well. It as so perfect, I had to pick it up. I spent the rest of the night pouring over it, admiring the technical mastery of the images, and amusing myself with the differences in anatomy between dogs and horses and humans and all manner of different things.

If you do any animal drawing (particularly horses or dogs), and you see this book, pick it up. I guarantee, you will not be disappointed, and it will become a staple of your artistic resources.

Anyway, so I drew a couple sketches (only a couple, because I suck like that. ):

Just some blue pencil sketches of deer, a horse, a horse skull, and a tired/bored looking creature at the top. The main thing I wanted to show off was that deer, though. Here it is closer:

I also changed the hue and darkened it up a bit so you could see the details. After staring at the skeletons and anatomical drawings of the deer in that book for so long, I had to draw one. It was so much fun! I love skinny animals where you an see the bones sticking out and stuff, agh! Also, I’m sure this is the best drawing of a deer I’ve ever done. Compare it to my old favourite and you can see how much I’ve improved in their anatomy, just by staring at the drawings in that book. =)

I still need to work on deer heads (it’s difficult as hell to draw a deer head and not have it look like a dog), but I’m really glad with my progress, and I love this little sketch. Just tooting my own horn here, move along…

The next one was a quick horse sketch, in which at least I notice that the anatomy has gotten better looking at that book than my other drawings, but others might not notice:

Again, it’s still very noticeably in my style, but the anatomy is much better compared to my old attempts at this position. Now I just need to get off my butt and draw things that actually mean something, and draw them often, and actually finish them, and then I’ll be golden!

While walking around the markets in Victoria I saw a lot of artists. I got my portrait/caricature done by this awesome guy, John D. Beveridge (and it was absolutely excellent!); there were dozens of other portrait artists holding booths at various markets and squares; there were numerous local craftsman ranging anywhere between jewelry, native art, glass blowing, metal working, toy making, and painting; and there was even this girl who looked like my age or younger, who had a table set up at the local Artist’s Market. She was just sitting there drawing marker pictures of centaurs and unicorns, and then ripping up each page as she finished it and placing them in a basket in front of her for sale. I kept thinking “What the hell? Why can’t I do this?”

It’s something to think about, anyway. I just need to get off my butt and do something about it.

Right, back to doing “back from vacation” chores. Turrah!

Have you ever known someone who has had a hobby or an interest that they really enjoyed? You know, they spent time doing it and had fun and were good at it, but at first they were doing it just because it was fun, which was great. Then they started getting into it a lot more. They started going to clubs associated with it, or joining online communities, watching blogs, reading newsletters, watching videos, etc. etc… they started spending so much time looking, reading and learning about their hobby/interest that soon they were doing so much of that they weren’t actually doing the hobby itself anymore. They could talk about it for hours, but they hadn’t actually done any of it for months, or in any real amount. Then when they do get around to doing it they’re so overly critical, or so OCD about it, that it ends up not being fun anymore?

I think this perfectly exemplifies me. I used to do a lot of art, and truly, art is a huuuge part of my life. As I grew up through elementary school I was “the little writer” and everyone figured I’d become a world famous author when I grew up. When I got to High School though and realized that everyone and their dog were writers, and fairly good ones at that, that no one cared about my writing anymore, and that I had no hope of ever becoming as good as them (stupid low self-esteem and teenage angst acting up!), I turned to my art instead, which I had also done since I was a little kid, and was now fairly good at. Now I was the little artist, and everyone was convinced I’d grow up to be world famous in that, instead.

Backtracking a bit… I used to have SO MUCH FUN drawing, and that’s why I did it. Because it was fun! I could draw ponies, and dragons, and elven damsels, and anything in my mind’s eye could appear on the page. I wasn’t overly obsessed with how good it was, it was just fun! And I did TONS of it. I’d fill pages and pages of sketchbooks, until I was going through one 100 page 8.5X11 sketchbook every month. It was great!

Then I discovered the internet about the time I started highschool (for any of those people out there who had middle school, for me elementary school went from kindergarten to grade seven, and highschool started in grade eight and went until grade twelve), and it was awesome! Whereas before I was the only one out of all my friends and anyone I knew who drew or did any kind of art at all, suddenly there was a whole world of artists out there, most of them really awesome but some of them at my level. And there were places where you could upload your art! And talk to other artists! And there were tutorials, and resources, and games, and contests, and all this stuff…! And people could comment on your art, and wow, it was so awesome, I hadn’t realized there were so many people who were so much into art as me! For the first time I was starting to realize just how much was possible in the art world.

So I jumped on it. And it was awesome! I met so many awesome people and saw so many new and awesome things people were doing, and I wanted to be a part of it. I started using digital art programs, with a mouse at first, then my awesome sister bought me a tablet for my 14th birthday, and suddenly I could do so much more! I was making art like a bandit, and it was so cool these new things I could do!

But somewhere along the line there was a subtle shift in my focus. Maybe all the comments I got from classmates, teachers, friends and family made me feel intimidated. I know for a fact that I started feeling intimidated by all the amazing artists I was seeing online. I started becoming frustrated about my art for the first time, as I’m sure everyone has felt. I didn’t think I compared to all those other people, I started thinking more and more critically of my artwork, thinking it sucked ass compared to what other people could do, and that I’d never get ahead.

When people would compliment me on my art, especially in real life, I’d notice I’d become more annoyed than anything. I’d think, “Don’t they realize how much I suck? They should look at all of those other awesome artists online and then they’d understand that I’m nothing compared to them.” People kept saying “You should totally do this for a living,” or “You’re so talented, you could make so much money!” And I kept thinking about all the wonderful artists I knew online, and how much they were struggling when they were so much better than me, and I wanted to grab people and shake their heads and show them what the standards were they were forcing me up against, and how utterly impossible all that actually was.

After a while, art started to become more stressful than fun. I’d still do it, and sometimes I’d come up with things I enjoyed, but my comparative “unknown” status alongside so many other more “worthy” or “popular” artists made me feel even more that I sucked and was no good at all. I’d start to crave comments and favourites (on DA at least), and I noticed myself starting to judge what I was drawing by how many favourites or pageviews it had. When I noticed that starting to happen I tried to change the way I thought about it, but perhaps the damage was already done.

When I used to spend all afternoon after school and all night until all hours of the morning drawing, now I was spending that time looking at other people’s art, or reading about it, or looking for tutorials, or fawning over expensive equipment and software. I was insatiable for knowledge, and absorbed it and artwork like oxygen, as there was never a shortage of it. I’d sit there and think over and over to myself “Why can’t I be that good?” All the while I wasn’t drawing near as much as I used to, and when I sat down I suddenly had all these expectations heaped on top of me by myself that literally stifled me so much I couldn’t draw anything.

That came to a head, I think, in my last year of highschool, when I was having panic attacks over deciding whether I should go to art school or not (I eventually decided against it), and it has continued ever since. I’m not so crazy about the low self-esteem stuff; I don’t sit here anymore and whine about not being as good as my favourite artists, or bash my work to other people or get frustrated when I get favourable comments. I’ve become much more confident than I used to be, and I have a genuine desire to create again, but I’m left with the results of spending so much time obsessing over my hobby: I have expectations for my own work that are set way too high, I compare myself to the abilities of other artists rather than my own, I know so much of what’s possible and admire so much of it that I don’t know what to do first, and I’m frustrated at how little I draw and constantly feel forced to correct that, because real artists draw every day, everywhere, all the time, and as a result of all those things it no longer feels fun anymore.

That’s the most tragic thing, I think. I love drawing. I love making art. But it’s not fun anymore. Well, sometimes it is, and that’s great, but those times are precious and few, and I don’t know how to replicate them. My creativity is rather shriveled. My brain is empty where it used to be overflowing with ideas, because I still have a section of it left over that screams at me “Oh that idea’s been done, it’s so cliche,” and is constantly demanding that I come up with creative, amazing ideas that just aren’t there. Sometimes when I sit down with a piece of paper and a pencil, I immediately feel exhausted, without even doing anything. It sucks ass, and it’s stupid as all hell.

So I’m left with this, and I really want to change it. I’ve had some excellent help from my boyfriend, who, even though he’s never done any drawing in his life, actually sits down and draws with me so I don’t have to do it alone anymore. He gives me moral support and bugs me all the time, in good ways; when I’m fretting over a drawing, or I’m rambling too much about how hard it is, and how I can’t do it, he’ll immediately stop me and say “Knock it off.” And that’s awesome. I really do need to stop thinking so much, and just draw, but it’s so hard, for some reason, to let go of all those things and draw without them weighing me down. They’re just so engraved into my brain.

The thing I want to know is, am I the only one this has happened to? I’m certain I’m not, but I’m still surrounded (online at least) by people who are awesome, who do still create and do a lot of art, who know just as much and are just as involved in the community as I am, so obviously it doesn’t bother them. Does anyone else feel as encumbered by things as I do, or am I the only one who is this stupid about art?

This is why I made this blog, by the way. To get away from the atmosphere of value and popularity and stuff at deviantART and other online artistic communities. To give me a place to share my art without fear of it being compared to anyone else, where I can just focus on my own journey and try to get better at having fun with it. I’m still working at it, and I’m still struggling in a lot of ways to rid myself of all this crap built up in my mind, but I do think I’m making headway. I hope that I can eventually get to the point where I can create again, and want to, and have fun with it like I used to. We’ll have to see how long it takes me to get there, but I will, eventually. =)

Most of this stuff is more in my mind than anything, which is where I’m trying to make the greatest change. I’m trying to shut up the critical part of my brain, and the part of my brain overcome with knowledge of colour theory, proportions, lines-of-action, composition, perspective, anatomy, etc. etc. so I can just draw rather than being so damn terrified of it.

I’m trying to find a good way to end this rant but I can’t think of anything, so maybe I should just stop writing. Anyway, I am curious to hear  your thoughts if you have any, even if it’s something like “Gawd, Heather, you’re such a pompous brat! Oh, you can’t draw, boo hoo!! Get the hell over your freaking ego!” I’m sure I can stand to hear a bit of that.

Right, I’m going now. Honestly. =)

So, it’s this naked chick with a mohawk. She’s carrying a pole. There is something (or “things”) hanging from it. What are they?

When I originally started sketching her I had this vague idea of an angel with some kind of weapon, like a pike or a halberd or something. But as she progressed she changed into something much more neutral. Now she’s this lady with a mohawk, which I really like the idea of. Mohawks are usually associated with very strong stereotypes of alternative, or punk rocker types, which have their own sets of personalities and behaviours and characteristics attached to them. But here, you can’t see her studded leather wrist bands, her crazy ripped denim and fishnet arm socks. I like the idea of going to the basics, behind the stereotype, to show you that it means nothing. Just because she cut her hair a certain way, she is inundated with these stereotypes, and I wanted to convey the idea that she can, and is, anything. I really liked the calm, neutral overtones from her pose, like she really is an angelic being, but defying her own labels.

Maybe I’m thinking way too much about it, haha. But anyway, I need the pole to be something other than just a pole. Not a weapon, though. I came up with a couple ideas; one, a lantern of some sort, but I’m not sure if that conveys enough meaning. The other was maybe having some sort of semi-precious stones hanging from the ends of the poles; stones too are given arbitrary meanings and characteristics, but they too are very neutral and can be meaningful or meaningless, depending on how you use them. But now I can’t decide on the stones I want to use, so I’m all conflicted there…

Any other ideas out there? Anything would be helpful, even if it’s silly. =) I would like to work on this more, but right now I’m stumped!

It got me excited about the characters again. When I started my first attempt at the game I was really drawn towards Penelo’s character. I don’t know, there’s just something about her sincerity that really appeals to me. Her design is pretty neat too. Anyway, I was surprised to see myself pulling out my sketchbook and drawing her, since I really haven’t been drawing lately.

So I spent the rest of the evening drawing her, pulling up reference images on Erl (my laptop, what a godsend!), with sweetie occasionally glancing over and commenting on its progress.

Anyway, before I ramble anymore here’s the picture.

Okay, here’s the rest of the rambling.

It brought back a lot of wonderful memories and feelings of what it used to feel like to draw. A mixture of elation, frustration and productive focus, as well as being able to share it’s inception with someone else. My best friend used to come over when we were in highschool and play Final Fantasy games and I would sit behind her, watch, and draw. I was at my most prolific in those years, and I really enjoyed it, and doing so on Saturday really made me feel in that zone again. That’s something I haven’t felt for a long time.

I took a lot of notice of how I did things this time, because I’ve been having so much trouble with drawing that when it becomes easy I really want to remember why so I might be able to do it again, or more often. I started with a really rough and scribbly sketch of a pose, then I fleshed out the anatomy a teensy bit, then I started sketching in the shapes of the costume. It was when that was worked out that I went in and started cleaning it up, erasing the scribbles and fine tuning the lines and adding details to make it look cleaner. But of course some things, like her face and her hands, I had to erase and re-draw at least a dozen times before I could come up with something I liked. Ah well! Practice practice practice…

But I think what really made it so easy this time was simply that this wasn’t coming from my own head. Whenever I sit down to draw I freeze up, because nothing’s there. Then when I force myself to draw, even random things, it turns out looking like crap because I don’t know what I’m doing. There’s no planning, no forethought, because I simply don’t have any ideas.

But with this picture, all the ideas were taken care of for me. I just had to redraw it. Granted, redraw it in my own pose and from some really annoying references, but the main thing is that I didn’t have to sit there and make up anything. And it made it so much easier, having all that pressure taken off of me. I knew what I was going to draw, and someone had already done all the hard work for me. I was just doing the fun stuff, the drawing.

This amuses me, since a lot of what people find is the most satisfying and fun part of drawing is the creating, the throwing random thoughts and ideas onto the paper and creating something new and exciting that was nowhere else but your own brain up until then. I used to have that too, but it’s gone now, and forcing it doesn’t make it any better. For now, I’m glad that I can at least draw, even if I can’t create.

I’m sure the creativity will return with practice. Everyone says that it’s a muscle that just needs to be flexed. For now, maybe I’ll work more from reference, or do more character drawings from movies or games and see what comes of it. Well, it’s an idea anyway… maybe I should just have my sweetie over for more gaming. I bet that’s the secret!

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EDIT: Right, forgot about this:

I threw some quick colours on there to make the costume stand out a little more. I got the majority of my references from the website Creative Uncut and their Video Game Art Galleries which is an awesome resource for anyone who’s studying game or concept design, or who simply likes games and the art that makes them. There’s a lot of great stuff there.