Pencil Lines

I’m hoping this entry doesn’t make me sound like a pompous witch who is full of herself, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Please take any arrogant sounding remarks with a grain of salt; I don’t mean it, I’m just trying to communicate some rather abstract thoughts.

Have you ever known someone who has had a hobby or an interest that they really enjoyed? You know, they spent time doing it and had fun and were good at it, but at first they were doing it just because it was fun, which was great. Then they started getting into it a lot more. They started going to clubs associated with it, or joining online communities, watching blogs, reading newsletters, watching videos, etc. etc… they started spending so much time looking, reading and learning about their hobby/interest that soon they were doing so much of that they weren’t actually doing the hobby itself anymore. They could talk about it for hours, but they hadn’t actually done any of it for months, or in any real amount. Then when they do get around to doing it they’re so overly critical, or so OCD about it, that it ends up not being fun anymore?

I think this perfectly exemplifies me. I used to do a lot of art, and truly, art is a huuuge part of my life. As I grew up through elementary school I was “the little writer” and everyone figured I’d become a world famous author when I grew up. When I got to High School though and realized that everyone and their dog were writers, and fairly good ones at that, that no one cared about my writing anymore, and that I had no hope of ever becoming as good as them (stupid low self-esteem and teenage angst acting up!), I turned to my art instead, which I had also done since I was a little kid, and was now fairly good at. Now I was the little artist, and everyone was convinced I’d grow up to be world famous in that, instead.

Backtracking a bit… I used to have SO MUCH FUN drawing, and that’s why I did it. Because it was fun! I could draw ponies, and dragons, and elven damsels, and anything in my mind’s eye could appear on the page. I wasn’t overly obsessed with how good it was, it was just fun! And I did TONS of it. I’d fill pages and pages of sketchbooks, until I was going through one 100 page 8.5X11 sketchbook every month. It was great!

Then I discovered the internet about the time I started highschool (for any of those people out there who had middle school, for me elementary school went from kindergarten to grade seven, and highschool started in grade eight and went until grade twelve), and it was awesome! Whereas before I was the only one out of all my friends and anyone I knew who drew or did any kind of art at all, suddenly there was a whole world of artists out there, most of them really awesome but some of them at my level. And there were places where you could upload your art! And talk to other artists! And there were tutorials, and resources, and games, and contests, and all this stuff…! And people could comment on your art, and wow, it was so awesome, I hadn’t realized there were so many people who were so much into art as me! For the first time I was starting to realize just how much was possible in the art world.

So I jumped on it. And it was awesome! I met so many awesome people and saw so many new and awesome things people were doing, and I wanted to be a part of it. I started using digital art programs, with a mouse at first, then my awesome sister bought me a tablet for my 14th birthday, and suddenly I could do so much more! I was making art like a bandit, and it was so cool these new things I could do!

But somewhere along the line there was a subtle shift in my focus. Maybe all the comments I got from classmates, teachers, friends and family made me feel intimidated. I know for a fact that I started feeling intimidated by all the amazing artists I was seeing online. I started becoming frustrated about my art for the first time, as I’m sure everyone has felt. I didn’t think I compared to all those other people, I started thinking more and more critically of my artwork, thinking it sucked ass compared to what other people could do, and that I’d never get ahead.

When people would compliment me on my art, especially in real life, I’d notice I’d become more annoyed than anything. I’d think, “Don’t they realize how much I suck? They should look at all of those other awesome artists online and then they’d understand that I’m nothing compared to them.” People kept saying “You should totally do this for a living,” or “You’re so talented, you could make so much money!” And I kept thinking about all the wonderful artists I knew online, and how much they were struggling when they were so much better than me, and I wanted to grab people and shake their heads and show them what the standards were they were forcing me up against, and how utterly impossible all that actually was.

After a while, art started to become more stressful than fun. I’d still do it, and sometimes I’d come up with things I enjoyed, but my comparative “unknown” status alongside so many other more “worthy” or “popular” artists made me feel even more that I sucked and was no good at all. I’d start to crave comments and favourites (on DA at least), and I noticed myself starting to judge what I was drawing by how many favourites or pageviews it had. When I noticed that starting to happen I tried to change the way I thought about it, but perhaps the damage was already done.

When I used to spend all afternoon after school and all night until all hours of the morning drawing, now I was spending that time looking at other people’s art, or reading about it, or looking for tutorials, or fawning over expensive equipment and software. I was insatiable for knowledge, and absorbed it and artwork like oxygen, as there was never a shortage of it. I’d sit there and think over and over to myself “Why can’t I be that good?” All the while I wasn’t drawing near as much as I used to, and when I sat down I suddenly had all these expectations heaped on top of me by myself that literally stifled me so much I couldn’t draw anything.

That came to a head, I think, in my last year of highschool, when I was having panic attacks over deciding whether I should go to art school or not (I eventually decided against it), and it has continued ever since. I’m not so crazy about the low self-esteem stuff; I don’t sit here anymore and whine about not being as good as my favourite artists, or bash my work to other people or get frustrated when I get favourable comments. I’ve become much more confident than I used to be, and I have a genuine desire to create again, but I’m left with the results of spending so much time obsessing over my hobby: I have expectations for my own work that are set way too high, I compare myself to the abilities of other artists rather than my own, I know so much of what’s possible and admire so much of it that I don’t know what to do first, and I’m frustrated at how little I draw and constantly feel forced to correct that, because real artists draw every day, everywhere, all the time, and as a result of all those things it no longer feels fun anymore.

That’s the most tragic thing, I think. I love drawing. I love making art. But it’s not fun anymore. Well, sometimes it is, and that’s great, but those times are precious and few, and I don’t know how to replicate them. My creativity is rather shriveled. My brain is empty where it used to be overflowing with ideas, because I still have a section of it left over that screams at me “Oh that idea’s been done, it’s so cliche,” and is constantly demanding that I come up with creative, amazing ideas that just aren’t there. Sometimes when I sit down with a piece of paper and a pencil, I immediately feel exhausted, without even doing anything. It sucks ass, and it’s stupid as all hell.

So I’m left with this, and I really want to change it. I’ve had some excellent help from my boyfriend, who, even though he’s never done any drawing in his life, actually sits down and draws with me so I don’t have to do it alone anymore. He gives me moral support and bugs me all the time, in good ways; when I’m fretting over a drawing, or I’m rambling too much about how hard it is, and how I can’t do it, he’ll immediately stop me and say “Knock it off.” And that’s awesome. I really do need to stop thinking so much, and just draw, but it’s so hard, for some reason, to let go of all those things and draw without them weighing me down. They’re just so engraved into my brain.

The thing I want to know is, am I the only one this has happened to? I’m certain I’m not, but I’m still surrounded (online at least) by people who are awesome, who do still create and do a lot of art, who know just as much and are just as involved in the community as I am, so obviously it doesn’t bother them. Does anyone else feel as encumbered by things as I do, or am I the only one who is this stupid about art?

This is why I made this blog, by the way. To get away from the atmosphere of value and popularity and stuff at deviantART and other online artistic communities. To give me a place to share my art without fear of it being compared to anyone else, where I can just focus on my own journey and try to get better at having fun with it. I’m still working at it, and I’m still struggling in a lot of ways to rid myself of all this crap built up in my mind, but I do think I’m making headway. I hope that I can eventually get to the point where I can create again, and want to, and have fun with it like I used to. We’ll have to see how long it takes me to get there, but I will, eventually. =)

Most of this stuff is more in my mind than anything, which is where I’m trying to make the greatest change. I’m trying to shut up the critical part of my brain, and the part of my brain overcome with knowledge of colour theory, proportions, lines-of-action, composition, perspective, anatomy, etc. etc. so I can just draw rather than being so damn terrified of it.

I’m trying to find a good way to end this rant but I can’t think of anything, so maybe I should just stop writing. Anyway, I am curious to hear  your thoughts if you have any, even if it’s something like “Gawd, Heather, you’re such a pompous brat! Oh, you can’t draw, boo hoo!! Get the hell over your freaking ego!” I’m sure I can stand to hear a bit of that.

Right, I’m going now. Honestly. =)